About me
Good day,
Professor Brad and all my beloved
classmates
I am Fitri Danial in short call me
Dan. I’m currently pursuing a degree in telematics at Singapore Institute of
Technology (SIT). I am an active calisthenics athlete, rock climber, food
enthusiast, fingerstyle guitarist and so on so forth. As time passes, surely
there will be new things about me that you will learn.
Life is a definite challenge. It is
by far most interesting to me. As much as you plan it to be perfect, it will
never be. As high as you hope to reach, what you achieve will often be
unexpected. A true introduction of me should mention the value that I hold deep
within. “Be the best of who you are today.” Which means always trying my best in
whatever I do, and whatever roles that I took upon.
I’ve graduated from Republic
Polytechnic with a diploma in sonic arts. I was an art student that studied
music and sound. It is a series of unexpected things that happened in my life
that leads me to telematics. I was diagnosed with a growing diseased tumour in
my right ear during my last year of polytechnic. Thankfully it was removed
successfully but the effect remains permanent, partial deafness on my right
ear. As a sound engineer/technician at that time after graduation, it was a
struggle. The most valuable weapon for my job was broken.
Adding on, National Service was a
dread. Having to know that I will be a clerk for 2 years because of my
disability, it was a morale downturn. Out of the blue, that was the time that I
fall in love with programming. My first ever project was to build an automated
work process in Visual Basic Application in Microsoft Excel. This was because
all my work processes were very tedious. I love the way that programming
increases efficiency and reduce workload of my job as a clerk. From then on, my
interests for programming grew.
That is roughly how I am here in
telematics. I may not have adequate background for telematics but I will
definitely give my very best in this course of study. In terms of
communication, I am comfortable and confident speaking to others however I need
to improve on my fluidity of verbal language. At times, I struggle to put my
thoughts and opinions into words.
Although one weapon was broken, I
wish to refine, sharpen and strengthen all the other weapons that I have.
Communication is one them and my goal is to be able to speak fluently at the
end of the trimester. I am excited for the classes ahead. I wish that my
professors and my beloved classmates will be my pillar of strength to pursue
this adventure.
Thank you for your time reading and
trying to know me.
Regards,
Fitri Danial
Last Edited: 10/10/2018
Commented on: Si Yong, Jia
Ying
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDear Dan,
DeleteIt is great to know you and I am impressed with the insight and positivity you have in life.
However, these are my opinions on how you can improve your formal introduction. I feel that you should not use contraction when presenting yourself formally. One example would be 'I'm.'
On top of that, you may want to work on your sentence structure in your formal letter.
Some of the mistakes I have spotted are,
- I’ve learned about arts of communication
- Communication is one them
Last but not least, it will be interesting to know about your weaknesses so that we, as classmates can help you to turn your weaknesses into strengths.
Best Regards,
Clement
Dear Clement,
DeleteThank you for the compliment and constructive comments. I will amend it accordingly.
Thanks!
Regards,
Fitri Danial
Hi Dan,
ReplyDeleteYour blog post definitely served as a good introduction about your. I really admire your "never give up" attitude.
However, I think it will be great if you use "I am" instead of "I'm".
And for the sentence structure, it will be better to say " The interpretation makes by the recipient will also affect the meaning of the message. " instead of
"How it is being interpret by the recipient would also affect the meaning of the message."
I believe that the class will be able to turn your weakness into strength.
Dear Jia Ying,
DeleteThank you for the compliments and I hope to spread this positivity to others as well.
Thanks!
Regards,
Fitri Danial
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDear Dan,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this highly detailed letter . It is a comprehensive reflection of who you are, in particular in terms of your rich experience and varied interests and areas of prior study.
You've also included other elements of the assignment. However, while you discuss communication in general, you don't specifiy your own weakness or strength. At the same time, you are vague in terms of goals; without mentioning any specific area you want to address this term, we can't measure your degree of success as we work to help you enhance your skills.
Of course, I appreciate that you want to 'strengthen all the other weapons' that you have when it comes to communication in the abstract. But what specific skills might you need to improve?
One area that you seem to need to focus on, from what I have read here, is the way that you write a 'formal letter' in a manner that seems like you're simply talking to the reader. In short, the tone of this letter is, at times, too chatty, too conversational.
We can start addressing that and other areas of writing in this assignment. In terms of language use, please consider and revise:
1. sentence structure
-- I’m Fitri Danial, in short call me Dan. >>> (comma splice)
2. verb form
-- As time passed, surely there will be new things about me that you will learn. >>> (verb tense) As time passes, surely there will be new things about me that you will learn.
-- As much as you planned it to be perfect, it will never be. >>> (tense inconsistency) ?
-- As high as you hoped for, unexpected it will often be. >>> As high as you hope to reach, what you chieve will often be unexpected.
-- In summary, in whatever I do, and whatever roles that I took upon, be the best that I can now. >>> (verb tense)
-- A question that struck every single person when I introduce myself. >>> ?
-- How it is being interpret by the recipient would also affect the meaning of the message. >>> How it is being interpretED by the recipient also affectS the meaning of the message.
3. use of punctuation
-- Good day Professor Brad and all my beloved classmates, >>> Good day, Professor Brad and all my beloved classmates,
4. /wrong word/ phrasing / chatty phrases
-- A true introduction of me is the value that I held most deep within. >>> (phrasing) A true introduction of me SHOULD MENTION the value that I HOLD deep within.
-- Well, honestly it is >>> ?
-- “Why the change?” >>> (Again, it's as if you are talking.)
-- ...that you will learn. >>> (as if you are talking to me)
I'm certain you can find other examples.
-- In continuation, >>> (wrong transition)
I don't want this detailed critique to eclipse my appreciation for what you have communicated in this letter. You have shared a lot with us, and I can feel your passion for the journey you've had to date and the ideas you're articulating.
At the same time, I'd be remiss if I don't offer some good advice. In addition to the sentence revisions, I'd suggest you cut out the bit about communication and get back to what the assignment calls for: specific info about what you see as your own communication strengths and weaknesses, and what you want to acheive in this module.
I look forward to working with you further this term.
Cheers,
Brad
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ReplyDelete